So I just realized that I bail. I am not dependable. I thought I was this responsible and dependable person when in reality I am just a flake. It hit me today when I volunteered to help my co-worker organize her fashion show and she said No. She went on to explain that she can't rely on me because every time she asked me to help out or even hang out with her, I said yes and then cancelled last minute. I didn't get upset because she was speaking the truth. I respect the truth even if it hurts.
Now that I think about it, I realize that I've picked up bad habits from my past and the people closest to me. My father used to make plans to take me out and then last minute he used to cancel on me and hang out with his friends instead. My sister would do the same and she used to return my calls days later. I haven't had good examples of people around me who were on time and didn't cancel their plans. I didn't realize this until today. I've been bailing my whole life.
The realization today is that if you really don't want to say Yes to something, then please don't say it. No, is a powerful word that scared me until now. I feel I am recovering from years of bad habits, but at least now I understand why I am alone. My fear of failing is so strong that it birthed mini bad habits. Those habits are starting to grow and show their face. When they were little, they were unnoticeable. Now, they are showing their sad face. I run because I am scared of life. The people closest to me have hurt me the most. I am so afraid to stick around new people because I don't want to stay long enough for them to show their disappointment in me.
As a child, I had hopes and dreams. My outlook on life was sunny. Then it became cloudy with a chance of loneliness. The problem is that I felt prisoner to my own self. I only got to see a glimpse of how great life could be just through a tiny window in my self-imposed cell. My prison is not locked but I feel that if I escape it, I will be in a worst situation. I've grown accustomed to my misery. It hurts too much to think of my past. Each time I cry. It feels cold. My expectations were high, but reality showed me life's shadow. I'm scared of the dark. I'm such a grown up, right?
The question now is how to stop bailing. I have no idea how to tackle this problem. The solution escapes me. Will I remain a prisoner to my own self? My heart is just too afraid and tired. It wants to sleep and dream. The way my life has been is too dark for my colorful heart. Where do I go from here?
Well, I may not have all of the answers today. However, I am deciding to pursue my childhood dreams, starting with learning how to sing. I'm also going to get into Photography so I can capture happy moments. I might even take some acting classes! I've also started seeing a therapist and that should help me resolve some internal conflicts. I realized that you have to take care of yourself first in order to have the energy to truly help others.
With Love, Dania