Not too long ago, I wanted to be an actress and a model. I would look at magazines and movies and think that my life would have more meaning if I was famous. I was bored with the ordinary. It was redundant and simplistic. I needed excitement. I needed to escape my fears.
When people started pointing out my physical "flaws," my dreams of stardom became more and more distant.
At Eighteen, I started looking for a part-time job to pay for College and living expenses. My application for each job I applied for kept being rejected. I was becoming desperate for money.
I dyed my hair blonde and lost a lot of weight.
I was dating a guy who kept telling me to wear revealing clothing. He would even go shopping with me to ensure I purchased short skirts and see-through shirts.
One day, after being rejected for yet another job, I decided to walk around midtown. NYC is full of distractions. A man approached me and asked me if I wanted to become a model. I said yes and he gave me his business card.
I didn't know it then but I was craving for attention from men because my father used to ignore me and abuse me emotionally.
I visited the photographer and he asked me to model in a bikini. I did.
He asked me to model naked. I said no and left. I never returned.
I am very grateful that I trusted my intuition at that time.
My self-esteem was low. I could feel myself trying to escape. I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol. I'm lucky. Instead, I developed this critic inside my head that manipulated my every move for a long time.
I've recently tasted real love and no longer need to seek attention from men. I need to give myself true love. My boyfriend has brought down the wall I had built around love. I realized that my other boyfriends were a reflection of my unmet needs from childhood. Realizing your troubles is half the battle.
I am looking for natural enjoyment of life like: reading books, writing, walking, helping others and simply finding joy in the ordinary.
My body is not an object. It is a beautiful creation of God that I am grateful for. There is no need for me to compare myself to other women anymore. We need to love and support each other. I'm learning to love every "imperfection" that my body has. I remind myself that I was a child once. A child who never thought ill of herself. I choose to love my simple body.
Money is a tool and I choose to use it for good. I don't desire a million dollars anymore. I used to want that much money just a few years ago. That desire just made me miserable.
I am considering giving up my career in Accounting to become a Therapist (through the Social Work path). I can still apply my knowledge of Accounting but as a part-time bookkeeper. I'm so excited that one day I could work full time in the mental health profession!
People ask me if I ever worry about the decrease in salary I will experience with the new career. I don't worry because I am saving money and my desire for more stuff is decreasing. I want more love, not material possessions so I guess I'll be ok with less.
When I was child, TV was my friend. Now I know that I am my best friend. I no longer need to idolize celebrities and entertainers. I no longer need to watch movies like The Avengers or TV shows like Criminal Minds to get entertained.
I prefer volunteering, reading, writing, dancing, and spending time with my boyfriend.
Being famous or a Superhero no longer entices me. What calls me is love. Love for others. I want to dedicate my life to helping and protecting people.
Magic does not call me anymore. Life is raw. It is a blank canvas. I can save the world by helping one person at a time.
Being ordinary is a blessing.
Thanks for reading!
With Love, Dania