When I went to Jr. High School, I was exposed to kids talking about liking each other in a sexual way. I didn't see these kids focus on their studies; all that mattered to them was looking good in order to attract the opposite sex.
I didn't care about how I looked. As a matter of fact, I wore baggy clothes and no makeup. The popular girls were the ones who looked like women. For a long time I felt that I was doing something wrong because I didn't have a guy pursuing me. I was more focused on being a good student and sometimes forgot to wear deodorant! As you can imagine, that didn't bring me a lot of attention from the opposite sex.
Once in High School, I felt the need to fit in. I started going to the Hair Salon. I even started wearing provocative clothes and makeup. However, I still didn't want to have sex, unlike almost everyone else who seemed open to the idea. I really liked a guy and had a crush on him, but all of his girl friends had big breasts, no pimples, straight teeth, and beautiful hair. How could I compete with them? He could choose from so many beautiful girls.
I asked one of his guy friends how I could get his attention and he said, "You should go up to him and kiss him. Oh and offer him some sex to get his attention. That'll get him going crazy for you!" I stood there thinking, 'Wow, that is the nastiest thing I have ever heard! Why should I change who I am because I want the attention of someone? Why is it so wrong to attract a guy based on who I am inside?' So, I decided not to pursue him and to just focus on my studies. It was painful to see him with other girls but I felt so much better for respecting myself.
In College, everything changed. I began to interact with different people. I was less shy. I met a guy, whom I thought was handsome but a little disgusting because of his smoking habit. However, I felt alone and felt the need to experience what it's like to have my first boyfriend. Yet, this guy was not the right guy for me. I would find out later.
I went out with him for about a month and one day, while on a walk, he asked "Why haven't you let me kiss you yet? Is there something wrong?" I panicked and in order to appear more mature I approached him and my lips touched his lips, but I was so nervous that I couldn't bring myself to "French" kiss him.
One night, he went over to my apartment, uninvited, wanting to have sex. I didn't know what to do. The only thing I brought myself to say was 'okay, let's have sex.' So he started kissing my neck, but it didn't feel right. "Stop" I said. He got upset with me and left. After that day, I learned that if you're not sure about something, then you should take your time and think about it until you feel comfortable.
Sex is not bad, but you should feel good about it and ready for it. You shouldn't feel rushed into it. Sex should be an expression of love. Love develops over time. Love is about respect and understanding. Love should start from the inside. I can't say that I know exactly what I want from life, but I know what I don't want. I don't want to say yes when I mean no. I want to express my love for someone when I'm ready, not because I feel pressured. I don't think sex is worth losing one's innocence over. Sex should be accompanied with love and respect for each other. Sex should be the union of two adults who want to express the deep love and connection they feel.
What do you think? Do you have a story you'd like to share?
With Love, Dania